A Climate Optimist’s Confession
This piece was originally written for The Climate Optimist Substack — click here to subscribe for weekly content.
I don't know if we're going to figure this out
Man, I broke down this weekend.
On Saturday morning I was sitting on our couch (as I do these days), feeding her again (as I do these days.) And then they just came. The tears.
They started streaming down my face and there was no stopping them, nor did I want to. Oh, how I needed to just cry! Finally an act of relief, of acceptance, of surrender.
Arthur saw me cry and instantly wanted to help, asking what we could do to make it better. But I realized then that there was nothing we could do. Because the truth was that I was tired. However, the physical exhaustion was one thing (I can deal with that), what I finally surrendered to was all the other things.
I surrendered to the fact that I was feeling mellow. That although so many incredible highlights were taking place all around me (watching our baby grow is definitely among the top most magical things ever) I was also feeling this.
I miss friends. I miss being out and about. I miss not being on a constant schedule or not being needed — at all. of. the. time! Truth be told, I miss life. I miss it all. And on top of it, my hormones are taking me on constant roller coaster rides, to the point where some days, I don’t even know who I am anymore.
And I explained to him that there is nothing we can do to change that. I know that there will come a day when I’ll sleep through the night again, when my hormones have settled, and when going out to see a friend is not such a big deal. I also know that as I continue to grow through this journey, I will learn to love new things about myself and my life, and then, parting with the old won’t seem so hard. Because I will have grown into someone new, with a whole new expectation on — and love for — this new reality of mine.
But that day isn’t here yet and right now I’m going through the thick of it, and that’s OK. I accept that. But allowing myself to surrender to that understanding and having a solid cry about it sure felt like the act of self-love that I needed.
This insight had such a profound impact on me that I (because I can’t help myself) started thinking about how this may apply to our climate optimist journey as well. Because the truth is that a constant flow of optimism and happiness is not possible. If that is what we’re aiming for, we won’t move anywhere at all. With change comes growth and that growth is always a bit uncomfortable and scary.
I also think that similar to becoming a mother, we are going through some serious rebirthing right now. All of us. The world is unfolding itself and in that, we are shedding the old. That is why things might appear messy and why some feelings surfacing these days are a bit hard to hold.
Back in the day when I worked hard on my spiritual upleveling, I called this phase “the cloud of emptiness.” It’s that part of a flight where you, shortly after taking off, rise through the clouds. When you’re in the cloud and look out the window (have you ever done this?), all you see is white, and there’s actually no knowing if you’re headed in the right direction. And you realize that the only thing you can do is lean back and trust that the pilot knows what he’s doing and that soon enough, you will be out on the other side.
I’m definitely going through that cloud right now and it’s thicker and bigger than anything I’ve experienced before. It requires a great deal of trust and surrender. But I appreciate the lessons it’s giving me because I think that as a world, we’re going through a much bigger cloud, with even more promises on the other side, and with that an even bigger need to take a deep breath and just relax.
The big word for me lately has been “surrender”.
Another one that came through in this beautiful podcast episode with Her Holiness Sai Maa was “witness”. It’s OK to witness the transformation unfolding all around us as we transcend into new kinds of beings into a new kind of world, but without participating too gravely in the process. It means that broken systems will reveal themselves to us so that they can dissolve and be replaced with something even better. Energies that have created old structures are let into the open so that we can shed and let them go.
To witness is to see things for what they are and trust.
We can live with despair without giving in to despair.
We can acknowledge our fears without letting them consume us. We surrender to the journey while also doing the best we can to seek the light within us, the light that we are here to nurture and hold. And the light that will ultimately create the building blocks for the new world forward.
Witness. Surrender. Trust. Love.
I’m going deep here this week but I think going deep is so essential. And I challenge you to take a deep breath and let yourself dissolve into those depths as well. It’s OK that we don’t have all the answers. It’s OK that we don’t know how things will turn out, or if they ever will. To have trust is to keep faith even when you don’t know and I’ll even take it as far as to say that it’s in that uncertainty my optimism grows.
A Climate Optimist’s Confession
Standing on the crowded subway train later that day, having stepped out to get some groceries (and let’s be honest, freedom), the epiphany hit me — I actually don’t know if I believe we will be able to figure out the climate crisis.
HA — climate optimist busted!
How can I say that and still dedicate myself so passionately to this work? Because sometimes optimism exists in the acceptance that things may not turn out OK. In fact, I believe it to be absolutely necessary to live with that acceptance.
Sure, I brought a child into this world and for the most part, when I think about her future, I get excited. I can’t wait to see what kind of society we have been able to build by the time she is my age and I look forward to all the exciting journeys that will take us there. And the wins we get to celebrate together along the way.
But there are also moments when I look around myself and I think — “NEVER”. Not a chance that we will be able to take such a messy world as the one we live in now and make it what it needs to be. There is too much greed, too much (intentional or unintentional) denial, too little knowledge, and too much… STUFF!
But we actually don’t know how things will turn out, do we? And since we don’t know, the future of unimaginable beauty, prosperity, and growth is just as plausible as one with unimaginable suffering and pain. We just have to choose now which one we want to believe in.
We can choose optimism and pair it with acceptance, surrender, and last but not least — love. We can settle into our current reality with unbreakable commitment and decide to do all we can to LOVE through these times.
Very much like a mother loves her child, despite the sleepless nights and lack of sanity or direction, we can find a way to love. For when we love, the journey there will be so much better, and our chances to muster the optimism needed to get us to the other side so much greater!
So make sure you don’t miss out to live now. Acknowledge the uncertainty and fear, accept the messy way forward, and then surrender back to a feeling of love. Because if you do, at least you’ll know you did all you could, and that you didn't miss your one chance to live a beautiful life here on Earth.
This piece was originally written for The Climate Optimist Substack — click here to subscribe for weekly content.
