Scary AF
Sometimes things get scary AF (as fuck). You feel like the world is closing in on you, and it gets hard to breathe. At least I feel like this sometimes, and I ask myself why the hell I’m even trying.
Why do I try to make things better? Why do I believe? The world is clearly headed in the wrong direction and there’s no way in burning hell that I — tiny little me — will be able to change that.
I feel like an imposter, a fake, a joke worth laughing at. Only I don’t want to laugh. I want to cry. I want to scream from the bottom of my lungs and silence myself forever, all at the same time.
Sometimes I feel like I want to hurt myself because the pain would be easier to take than this, less difficult to deal with than the bottomless despair of not knowing.
But then, something turns. Something deep inside stretches out a hand and says, “Stop it. It’s all in your head. The stories you tell yourself right now, they’re not real.”
Are they, or are they not?
I am hesitant enough to listen, unsure enough to seek more. I want to know the answers. I want to find the curiosity to explore again.
What if there is something better? What if we are headed in the right direction? What if I am making a difference? Maybe all I have to do is take a deep breath and…just be—be in the chaos. Exist in the stillness. Believe no matter how messy things look on the surface, a dance is happening somewhere, and I need to find my way back to that dance, immerse myself in the rhythm of change, and be one with the chaos and wonders.
Inside the dance, there’s no right or wrong, only play. Inside the dance, there’s no space for shame, blame, or hate—I’m too busy keeping up with the steps.
I want to be immersed in that dance forever, curiously seeking the next step, but I do have days when I’m tossed to the sideline, and all I can see is the chaos appearing before my eyes. On those days, I’m exhausted, but I allow myself to have those days too. I tell myself it’s okay to live with a bit of worry, anxiety, and fear, because those, too, are credible feelings.
But then I dust myself off and move back into the crowd because I know I’m not done dancing. Life is a dance and a journey I’m not willing to retire from, so I will keep at it as long as I live. My moves may change over the years, but I’m pretty sure there will always be room for me somewhere on the floor.
Because I’m not done living. And I’m not done seeking. And I will never be done believing that there are more, deeper, and better things out there worth looking for.
Allow yourself to have those days—the days when things are scary AF. But then dust yourself off and get back to the dance floor because we need you in here with the chaos!
These were excerpts from Chapter Seventy: Scary AF. The book consists of a total of 75 chapters, broken up into 6 different parts. If you want to feel inspired and empowered as a climate activist, let your journey start here:
